I used to suffer with anxiety pretty badly, I was talking to a
councillor and started having CBT. I used to think that if I became a
parent my anxiety would go into overdrive and every little thing would
be a cause for worry or concern. I used to never leave the house by
myself, would always be worrying about anyone I knew dying and have
really bad social anxiety. If someone didn't answer their phone straight
away then a million horrible thoughts would run through my head - have
they been in a car accident? Are they ok? Have they been robbed? Are
they lying somewhere needing help and no one knows? etc. Then I got
pregnant and everything changed.
At the start of my pregnancy I was just
starting to have CBT, which I then decided to stop having as I didn't
want to keep talking to new people about the reasons why I was feeling
so anxious. I'm a pretty private person when it comes to that kind of
thing, which is why I've never really spoken about it on my blog and I
much prefer keeping it to myself. After getting pregnant something just
clicked and I realised I needed to push myself out of my comfort zone
because I was going to have a baby who needed me.
It wasn't easy; I made
myself leave the house on my own and do things that weren't part of my
usual day time routine. As silly as it sounds even the antenatal
appointments were a big cause of worry for me. I only ever travelled to
and from work at the same times each day, so the idea of leaving in the
middle of the day gave me such anxiety. What would the roads be like at
that time of the day? Would I be stuck in traffic and not get to the
appointment? Was everyone at work talking about how I was 'getting out'
of being at work? Would my boss be angry at me for leaving work? Was I
letting everyone at work down? etc. That's not to mention the worry I
had about our unborn baby. It was exhausting, very consuming and I'd had
enough. The first few antenatal appointments I made my husband come
with me - I didn't know where I was going, who was going to be there,
what I'd have to do in the appointment, if they'd ask a question I
wouldn't know the answer to. After getting those out of the way I
decided that I needed to go by myself and this was the first step
in the right direction. The direction of maybe being free from anxiety.
I would arrive extra early to the appointments, sit in the car telling
myself repeatedly that I can do it and then congratulating myself when I
had done. After that small step everything just started feeling a lot
better.
I had shown myself I could do things by myself, I could talk to
people I didn't know, I was now part of a new group...the Mum-to-Be
group. Everywhere I went other pregnant ladies would glance at my bump
and smile, random people would stop me in the street asking when I was
due. I was forced to talk to these people and it did me the world of
good. The more it happened the more I felt comfortable about it, the
more my anxiety started to dwindle away. When Isabella finally arrived I
was then part of a much bigger group...the Mummy group. Even more
people would stop and coo over Isabella, ask lots of questions and just
generally be so friendly. At one point I would never have dreamt I could
even leave the house by myself, let alone be having friendly
conversations with people I didn't know.
Going to baby groups and NCT
classes all helped boost the belief in myself that I could hold a
conversation one-on-one with someone. I used to panic thinking I
wouldn't have anything to say, that it was just be silent, that they'd
be thinking about how boring I am or that I'm wasting their time. Those
worries haven't completely gone, I'd be lying if I said they had, but
they don't hold me back anymore. I used to decline offers from
friends when they suggested meeting up just the two of us, just in case I
couldn't think of anything to say. The ironic thing about this all is
that a lot of my friends would say that I don't stop talking! That's
mainly due to my anxiety, I used to make lists on my phone of things I
could talk about so I wasn't left with no conversation starters. I'd
rather be talking than there being silence, silence is still one of my
worst fears.
A year into parenthood and I feel like a completely
different person, I don't have anxiety now and I feel so free. I can go
to baby groups if I want to and feel confident that I'd be able to hold a
conversation with another parent. I can go into town with Isabella on
my own, without the fear that used to make me stay at home. I still have
worries and anxious feelings, but I'd say no more than usual.
Feel free to leave a comment :)
Helen x
Feel free to leave a comment :)
Helen x
Massive hugs and congratulations to you for taking your anxiety by the balls and defeating it :) you should be very proud and I'm so glad that you now feel like you again xx
ReplyDeleteI think I could have written this myself! I'm so glad you wrote this post. I feel exactly the same way. I was seeing someone for anxiety before I got pregnant and towards the end of my pregnancy I started being forced to do things on my own. I had to do them for the sake of my baby and that fact made me do it. I forced myself to go to join a mothers group and it was the best thing I ever did. Now I can go out myself no problems as well. Yeah, I still get a bit of anxiety too. Especially over parking. I don't know why I always stress out about whether I will get a parking spot or not. I STILL make my partner go and fill my car up with petrol though. I don't know why, I just HATE doing it myself. I always worry what If I accidentally use the wrong pump or what if I forget my purse and can't pay. Silly I know!! But anyway, being a mum has helped me a huge amount too. I'm so happy its done the same for you.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound silly to me - I worry about exactly the same thing! Especially not having money to pay for petrol once it's in my car and knowing where I can park. It's fantastic that being a mummy has helped you too - lets hope our journey towards complete freedom continues :)
DeleteI love this post. Although I wasn't at quite the same level as you, I've always felt a bit nervous of anything involving other people; parenthood has made SUCH a difference to that. I can see the same change in my partner. We know we can make small talk; we know people are more interested in the toddler than in us most of the time; we know even really awkward hours at toddler group are no big deal and no reflection on us. Well done for being so open about this.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right - when you become a parent you suddenly have so much more to talk about. I still have gathered enough confidence to go to my local village toddler group, but I will one day...hopefully before Isabella's too old! :)
DeleteAnxiety is horrible, really horrible. Good on you for tackling it girl, it sounds like you have done so well!
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You're so inspirational Helen; what a brave thing to write about. I've always thought of you as being an incredibly confident person-you've done so well to overcome some of your anxieties and I'm sure your lovely family are very proud of you. Isabella is very lucky to have such an amazing mummy xxx
ReplyDeleteI suffer from anxiety at times too so I know how you feel. I'm so glad you have overcome this though and how wonderful that being a mum helped you get there. There may be times in your life where you feel anxious again but now you know how to manage it you're back in control. Thanks for sharing. Tor xx #BloggerClubUK
ReplyDeleteThat's just wonderful. I hope our lad gets anxiety under control. He's eight and already worried about whether he'd be a good dad! #BloggerClubUk
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