Friday 16 February 2018

MOTHERHOOD: Who Relies on Who?

Having children is a funny one. Prior to having your first you'll wonder how much life will change, perhaps be adamant that your not going to be that parent who changes when they have children. I mean, how much can one baby really change your life? Well, you soon realise that actually quite a lot. Life, post children, is different and it will never go back to what it was before. For some, that reality excites them, for others it scares them. Personally, I think both reactions are completely normal because the unknown is often quite a scary yet exciting place. As time passes and you become more established into parenthood, then your 'old' life may be a distant memory as you 'can't remember life without children'. Having little people that rely on you to be fed, cleaned and kept safe, as well as to teach them essential life skills and love them can feel like quite the responsibility. Let's be honest, it is a lot of responsibility.

When I first became a parent, back in 2015, I was so excited to finally be a Mummy and everything that came with it. My husband and I lived in that snuggly newborn bubble for a long time, even the sleepless nights seemed manageable. I had a good group of friends with babies of a similar age that we had met at our NCT classes and I settled into maternity leave life very quickly. As someone who has struggled with anxiety a lot of my adult life, I suddenly felt so relaxed and content at home. Though I love my job, working is a big cause of stress in my life and I hadn't realised that until I took a break on maternity leave. The fear of doing something wrong, letting someone down or not doing a good enough job would keep me up at night, so not having that pressure on myself really helped my anxiety.
It was at the first Christmas after Isabella was born (she would have been around nine months) that I left her for the first time to go to my work's Christmas meal. That was when it hit me for the first time. I felt vulnerable, scared and lonely. Despite being in the most social situation since going on maternity leave, I felt out of place and unsure of what to talk about with anyone. All I wanted to do was run home to my baby, even though she was sound asleep and had not even realised I'd gone. At that point I realised that I had become reliant on my baby, just as much as she was on me. I didn't need her for feeding or to teach me life skills, instead I had become reliant on her for confidence, company and my identity. Who was I without my baby by my side? When meeting up with fellow mummies I could spark up conversation with complete strangers and chat for hours, yet send me out by myself and it felt like I had nothing to talk about or anything in common with anyone. My mind would be taken over with the desire to make sure my baby was okay, to get home to her and back to my life as a mummy. I simply didn't know what to do without my baby by my side.
As Isabella got older and my 'return to work' date started approaching, things were about to change again. Isabella was a lot more independent, I was about to return to part of the life I had before her and though the idea (and reality) scared me a lot, it ended up doing me a world of good. After a few weeks back at work, with adult conversation and a part of my life that wasn't solely focusing on Isabella I was beginning to find a new identity. Not my 'old self', too much had changed and anyway I was much happier being this 'new version' of myself. I had non-parenting things to talk about again, I went out by myself, giving me a new sense of freedom and confidence.
Then I got pregnant with Poppy and just over one year after returning to work I was waving my goodbyes, once again beginning maternity leave. It shouldn't really have surprised me, but I find myself sitting here back in the headspace I found myself in when Isabella was a baby. The idea of going anywhere on my own (as much as I say I want to) fills me with fear. Whenever I go out with Poppy, when Isabella is at nursery, I feel like I need to stop everyone I pass and tell them that I have another child, strange I know. But I think that feeling perhaps portrays quite how much being a mummy is my identity now. For some, that isn't what they want for their life and that's completely fine, but for me I love being a mummy and everything that that entails. I never choose to leave my children, partially through fear but also because I don't want to. I've had two nights away from Isabella in the whole of her life and one of those was when I had Poppy! I can count on two (maybe even one) hands how many times I've been out for an evening meal with friends or my husband alone and I've only spent a day away from them that wasn't been work related. 

Now that I'm a mummy of two beautiful children I do think that perhaps this year needs to be the year I spend a bit of time looking after myself too. Even as I write that I know that the likeliness of that happening is slim because I am my own worst enemy. My husband is here every weekend and is perfectly capable of looking after the girls while I went out, but I just don't want him to. He's never had the girls for a whole day by himself, not because he doesn't want to but because I am just always there. Hanging around like a bad smell! Maybe, just maybe, this year I'll learn not to rely on my children so much and instead embrace having some part of my identity not about being a mummy. 

Do you ever feel like you've relied on your children?

Feel free to leave me a comment - I love reading every single one :)

Helen x
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17 comments

  1. I can definitely relate to this. Since experiencing a miscarriage in July (which was a terrible shock at 12 weeks) I’ve been better at getting out without Caspian, my son. It does get easier the more you do it xx

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  2. Yes yes yes. I can totally relate to this. Jenson is nearly three and I've had one whole night away from him and only two days that haven't been work-related. When I'm out shopping without him it feels weird not to have the pushchair and even when he's asleep in his own bed I feel weird lying in my own bed without him.

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    1. Yes! I know the best thing is to have a bit of a life away from the children, but actually doing it is a lot harder!

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  3. I completely understand where you're coming from, and if it wasn't for three friends literally forcing me into a weekend break away with them, I think I would have want struggled when returning to work. I realise I can enjoy myself and still have my little girl on my mind.

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  4. Oh, yes, I feel like I need to tell everyone about Matilda when I'm out with Alice, but I'm not sure why!

    I don't know if you've read any of my posts about it, but I'm a huge believer in leaving the kids with their dad fairly regularly - not just for your own sake, but because I think it helps everyone feel secure and loved and involved if both parents get to spend one-on-one time with the kids - so obviously I'm here cheering you on. Do let us know how you get on!

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    1. It's so true and they have the most fun with their Dad - but I think it's my anxiety worries that make the idea of leaving them hard. What if something happened and I wasn't there? It's so hard, even though you're totally right :)

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  5. I can totally relate to this feeling. A few days ago I only left my baby for 2 hours, I went to the opticians. God, it felt so strange! People always look at meand see me as a mother of my son,they see us as a duo. But walking alone on the street, I was just a girl. Nobody would have guessed that I am somebody's mother. And something inside of me wanted to shout out: I am a mother!
    This is themost awkward and unexplainable feeling ever

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  6. Yes all the time, they were my safety blanket. Now I try to do things without them and it’s like starting over!

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  7. These pictures are adorable! I havent got children or tried for any yet but know how much of a blessing they are

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  8. I think a lot of mums can relate to this, it is easy to become isolated when you have a great reason to stay at home!

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  9. I can relate completely. I felt on my own and a bit lonely when the twins were younger.

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  10. I can relate to this and have to say that going back to work did me the world of good too. It is so easy to forget about yourself, especially when the little ones are young

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  11. As !one are older now and all at school I want to tell everyone I'm a Mum to 3! When their kids kicking off that I'm not judging, I've been there! It took me a while to get use to going out without my babies

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  12. I think everyone relies on their children for a while to cope with the inevitable loss of identity all new mums feel. It's such a life changing event and you really aren't the same person anymore. That can take time to get used to. Once they're in school and need you a little less, it's easier to take up the reins of your life again and start to re-explore the things you used to enjoy before becoming a mummy.

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  13. I can only take your word for it as I am yet to reach that part of my life but all my friends say the same, your life changes and some struggle with self identity

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  14. I'm a working mum & didn't have much maternity leave but this speaks to me on such a deep level. When I'm not at work I'm with my son & he's everything. My sisters want to take him for the day to let us relax but I'm most happy when we are together. I want to find my identity again but not just yet.

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  15. Yes! I think I relied on them for well over a decade until I realised that actually, I needed to find a little time for me too. I feel better for doing that!

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