Friday, 8 January 2016

2016: So many emotions

I've seen so many posts recently with people saying that 2016 is going to be 'their year' - they have big ambitions, exciting plans and new projects. Yet I find myself sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks just wishing I could feel more positive about 2016.

To say I'm dreading it is an understatement. It's the year that makes my tummy flip, nausea comes in waves when thinking about it and it's already made me cry more than the anticipation of any other year. It's the year I return to work from maternity leave and as a result leave Isabella for 99% more time than I do currently. We've barely been apart - only five times in the past 9 months. Now I know there are worse things that could be happening, much worse in fact, but that doesn't make it any easier. It actually makes it worse as then I feel guilty for getting so emotional about returning to work and leaving Isabella when others are going through much harder things.

I've been a lot more teary since having Isabella - I didn't get particularly emotional throughout pregnancy, I swear it built up and has been pouring out of me since giving birth. I cry at tv shows, thoughtful presents, photos, anything Isabella does and most recently about going back to work. I don't even know why I'm finding it such a hard concept to get my head around because I'm actually looking forward to going back to work - I love my job. So why am I quickly becoming an emotional mess?! I've been trying to change my negative thoughts about the year of 2016, telling myself it will be what I want it to be. I want it to be a positive year about Isabella growing up, reaching many more milestones, regaining adult conversations at work and of course creating happy memories as a family. But at the moment all I can focus on is my fear of returning to work - the unknown. Everything has changed at work - so will I know what I'm doing? Will Isabella be ok? How will I work when Isabella doesn't sleep all night? How will I get the right balance between work and home life? So many questions and worries. 

These questions and worries are keeping me up at night, hindering my ability to enjoy my last couple of months of maternity leave, running me down and playing on my mind constantly. I need my head to be stronger than my heart, which isn't the usual way around for me. I tell myself daily - I love work, I want to go back to work, it will be good for Isabella to interact with other children, she'll do loads of fun things at nursery, I'll get to have adult conversation again - however I find myself answering all of those statements with....But then I have to leave Isabella and I really don't want to. Yet another part reminds me that she will grow into a much more challenging two year old, three year old etc, at which point I'll probably be glad she's at nursery for some of the week!

It's such a battle in my head and of course I'm not the first person to go through this - if you have any words of wisdom or advice on how to make the transition back to work easier then I'd love to hear them. I need all the help I can get because I want 2016 to be my year too.

Feel free to leave a comment :)

Helen x
A Cornish MumBinky Linky
MaternityMondays
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20 comments

  1. I think most parents ask themselves the same questions before they return to work. The first day will be the hardest I am sure but soon enough it will become routine for you both. Isabella will be fine, you will be fine. I know it's easier for me to say but it will all be okay. #BinkyLinky

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    1. No, thank you though. It's reassuring to hear it from someone else - I just want the whole 'going back' to be over so we're settled into a new little routine :)

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  2. Bless you and I completely and utterly understand. I am returning back to work after my mat leave this Monday, a brand new job and I am so scared and anxious. It's been bothering me for the last couple of months but I know needs must and I'm trying to get my head around it. This is my 2nd mat leave and it feels harder this time for some reason. We will be fine it's just that initial getting back into the routine!! Just enjoy the last couple of months hun, make the most of it. Big hugs! #binkylinky

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    1. I really hope our first days back go well and you're kept nice and busy, so time passes quickly! I know I must try and enjoy these precious last months :)

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  3. I think we all get like this when we have to go back after maternity leave, as you have such a long time off, and the thought of leaving your baby is horrible! I was lucky in being able to cut down my hours and work them around my boyfriend so he looks after Ben whilst I work. I still didn't want to leave him. But when their faces light up when you see them after work it's amazing!

    Ben has recently started Nursery though I did cry the 2nd time I dropped him off, as he was saying he didn't want to go! But now he loves it and so will Isabella once she's used to it.

    Anna - Annas Reflection

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    1. That's so true - it's one thing I am looking forward to, the running to me with open arms and a smile from ear to ear! I'm going to be picking Isabella up from nursery, so I get the good end of the deal. My husband will be doing the drop off - I'd cry too much if I did it! x

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  4. I have no advice to offer unfortunately as I too will be returning to work this year and am dreading it. I am lucky that I will only have tinwork a few hours a week to start with so I won't be away from Lexie all that long but I know the older she gets the longer we will be apart and that makes me sad. Sending you lots of love though and you will get through this! #BinkyLinky

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  5. I haven't been through this experience so I have no advice but just remember that it will get easier and you will both get used to it as time passes. I've been more tearful after Bo was born too, but put it down to the tiredness and alterations in life. xx

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  6. Aw, sweetie, I totally get all of this. I'm going back in four weeks and am dreading it. My partner will be home with our son every day I'm at work, so there's that (we're both going part-time - I'm doing Monday-Wednesday and he's doing Saturday-Sunday), but spending so much time away from him after spending the equivalent of just one working day from him in the last seven months sounds awful.

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  7. Aww, this sounds like it is really getting to you. Is there no way you could go back and do fewer hours for a couple weeks, to make the transition a bit less dramatic? I can't offer any words of wisdom as my boy is 2 and a half and I'm not working. I wish I had gone back sooner though as he has never really been away from me for all this time, I think it will be a big shock to both our systems when I do eventually get a job. I hope things work out better than you are expecting, I'm sure it will. Enjoy the rest of your maternity leave with your baby girl..as your blog name says 'treasure every moment' xx #picknmix

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  8. Going back to work the first time is so hard I know, I was scared after having my first son but I think it was good for the both of us. I only worked part time, but I got to have some adult time whilst he spent the day with his Nan or Dad. It does get easier lovely, here's hoping 2016 is your year ;)

    Thanks for linking up to #PicknMix

    Stevie x

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  9. I had a year off with my twins and to be honest by the end of it I couldn't wait to go back so that I could have 'me' time and some adult conversations. Having said that it was hard to leave them, but it helps them gain independence away from me. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

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  10. Going back to work is tough hope it works out thanks for linking to the Binkylinky

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  11. I was an absolute wreck about it. In the end I couldn't actually do it and financially it also became impossible. Everything you said was churning through my mind and keeping me awake though. #maternitymondays

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  12. Finance intervened and I went back after eight weeks and my partner became a SAHD. I thought I'd be fine about it because I'm only part time, but the week before was awful. I was crying at everything, picking fights with OH, and generally just terrified. But, in the end, the thought of it was so much worse than actually doing it. Once I got back it was nice to have some time to be 'me' instead of 'mum'. Hope it works out for you too x #maternitymondays

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  13. Oh you poor thing. I was the same with Boo. I don't think I enjoyed one minute of my maternity leave because I was so dreading it ending. The only thing that got me through was the thought of the nice things I could,buy her. Although this resulted in far too many toys from guilt-buying. Lots of love #MaternityMondays

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  14. It is hard returning back to work, I really struggled at first. I just made sure every second I was with her I spent with her, I didn't do any house work etc when I was with her we just played. It made it more special.

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  15. Aww its such a difficult decision to make and one that ultimately you have to be happy with. I was lucky that I had the choice for me to stay at home comfortably but I know so many people don't have a choice! I wasn't an emotional person before I had Mia but since having her, I get emotional about everything you can think of, I think its part and parcel of having a child! Good luck with your decision, I feel for you :)

    #MaternityMondays

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  16. Going back to work really is a big emotional milestone for you both, i'm sure once you have both settled and got into the swing of things it won't be half as bad. i remember feeling awful when I went back after having my first.

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  17. Aww hun I know exactly how you feel. I really really struggled with going back to work. I had never left Ava for any length of time. I'm slowly getting used to it though, it does get easier. Thanks for linking to #PickNMix

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