Monday 19 December 2016

PREGNANCY #2: The Struggle of the First Trimester

Just before we start I want to warn you that this post will involve a lot the hard experiences of the first trimester. Please don't think for one minute that I am not grateful and feeling ever so lucky for this pregnancy. I really am. But I want to keep this real and in all honesty I have struggled through the first trimester a lot.

Let's go back to when I was 3 weeks 3 days pregnant, the day we actually found out we were expecting our second baby. It was very much planned and we were so excited for the journey ahead. Quickly my mind was running away me - what would they look like? Are they a girl or boy? How will Isabella be as a big sister? But most of all I really hoped they were growing strong and would continue to do so.

Fast forward to 5 weeks pregnant and everything started to become a lot tougher. Sickness hit with a vengeance and so began the 24 hours a day nausea and sickness. The world quickly became one big irritant - it smelt, was too noisy, there were people everywhere, the light was too bright, everything seemed to flash or shine and I had to hide how I was feeling from everyone, expect my husband. I find pregnancy 'morning sickness' really hard to explain to people that haven't experienced it, especially as for most of it you are dealing with it in secret. This time I've found it so lonely and all consuming, making me feel pretty low at times. When I was pregnant with Isabella I had nausea from 8-15 weeks and was only sick five times. I thought that was hard, but I never felt low or lonely about it all back then. However, this time I've had non-stop nausea/sickness since 5 weeks and I'm now 16.5 weeks with it only just starting to ease (having said that it's 8am and I've already been sick today). I've lost count of how many times I've been sick, many times while holding Isabella's hand as she uncontrollably cries next to me as she's scared and doesn't understand.

Here are just some of the sickness triggers from the past few months:
The cutlery drawer because the cutlery shines
The bin lid because again it is shiny
The smelly fridge
The sunlight flickering through the tress
Windscreen wipers
Isabella's natural smell
My husband's natural smell
Not eating every hour despite being repulsed by all foods
My hair
Clothes with collars (most of my wardrobe)

I've not been the mother I want to be to her either, which has broken my heart and contributed to how low I've been feeling. There have been many days that I feel like I've only just been able to meet Isabella's basic needs, as I lie still to try and stop the sickness. She has been an absolute superstar, but the fact that I've not been able to do all of the fun things we usually do together for such a long now has really got me down and the mum guilt...well that's a whole other story. Friends have reminded me that she won't remember these months, but it doesn't help the guilt. If you're a parent you'll know what I mean.

I've also been a nightmare of a wife, for which I have spent most of the past three months apologising for. I've become so high maintenance - one moment I'll want a certain food then the next I'll be gagging over it and insisting it is removed from the house. I've barely smiled or laughed; I save the very little energy I have for smiles with Isabella. Washing, cleaning, general jobs around the house have all been completely neglected by me. But mostly my husband has had to be on the receiving end of a lot of moaning, which is just miserable.

Then at 9 weeks we were involved in a serious car crash, which you can read about here if you wish. In a nutshell someone crashed into us on the motorway and our car flipped, crashed into the Armco barrier multiple times and we ended up sliding on the roof for a fair distance. In the post I wrote about how scared I was that we had lost Isabella forever, but what I didn't mention was that that fear was also for our unborn child. Those are moments I wish I could forget. Luckily Isabella wasn't injured at all, my husband had a bump on his head and a few cuts and I had a gash to my knee and bad bruising. We were sent for an emergency early scan where we luckily saw the heartbeat, such a relief. However I was still worried and keen to make it to the 12 week milestone, which we have now. As a result of the crash I have been getting awful headaches/migraines and as I'm pregnant I've not been able to take any pain relief. The doctor has said I can take paracetamol, but I simply don't trust taking any medication when pregnant so have resisted as much as possible. It has made dealing with the morning sickness a lot harder.

Overall I've hated the person I've become over the past few months and I know it isn't forever, but in the moment it feels like it will be forever. The end doesn't seem anywhere near and the whole while you feel guilty for not feeling solely happy and excited about the little baby growing inside you.

As I very slowly start to feel more like myself I am beginning to look forward to my growing bump and the hopefully more positive months of pregnancy.

How did you find your first trimester?

Feel free to leave a comment :)

Helen x


1 comment

  1. Oh no! I found the first trimester easy enough (tired, oh so tired, but no nausea) but the second half of my pregnancy (when my hips basically gave out) were so hard that I'm very, very nervous about how I could look after a toddler through any subsequent pregnancies - I ALREADY feel guilty for considering putting her through it; I dread to think how bad I'd feel at the time. But your friends are right: she won't remember it. You're almost halfway there now and, if you can make it through the last sixteen weeks, you can make it through the rest.


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